Balance
by Chaneta
Summary: Harry came back to his own mind, all the pieces fitting back together. However, not everything was back in place, something had changed. But it was fine, more than fine. He had lost something, but gained a lot more. Now he just needed to convince his friends of it. Specially Cisco. POV!Harry during episode s04e23. Mentions of unrequited love.


Hello, this is my first try in The Flash fandom and my first in writing a full oneshot in english (which it isn't my mother language). I hope you like it.  
This fic is focused in episode s04e23, which is the season 4 finale, so expect spoilers to that point. Also, it might be hard to understand the concept without having seen the episode first.  
If you have read until here, thank you. Any tag or comment would be loved.  
Enjoy!

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**BALANCE**

It was like waking up from a dream. A long, confusing, real dream. He could literally feel his memories coming back, appearing like short movies in his eyes in a higher velocity that he was able to process. Moments, sounds, smells, feelings, every experience or encounter that had happened in his life coming back in a rush. His mother's lullaby, his Jesse smiling at him, when he met Tess and when she died, his grandad's proud smile, the coldness of the ocean in his skin, Jesse's birth, when he broke his arm in a car accident, him receiving his sixth PhD diploma, Zoom, losing Jesse and his desperation to find her, a blue portal…

More than fifty years' worth of memories coming back, filling a place that he hadn't even realised it was empty until that moment; when he hadn't even known the meaning of the word "empty". It was too much too fast, too many moments and feelings, it was hurting him. He didn't recognize his own voice screaming until the sound stopped. The pain was receding, becoming more similar to a palpitation or a normal headache. He took a large inspiration. Someone was screaming his name, a familiar voice. Two hands reached for his head and took something from the top of it, leaving his head lighter. A cap. His thinking cap. The cap that he created and used in a desperate intent to become smarter, to outsmart DeVoe. The cap that had taken away his intelligence and his memories, or maybe just his ability to understand those memories and to create new ones. He wasn't sure.

\- Is he okay? – someone asked. A woman, Iris.

Memories of a beautiful young woman appeared in his mind at the sound. Curious, kind, fearless Iris. An amazing reporter and the leader of Team Flash. Joe's daughter, Barry's wife, his friend.

\- His vitals are stable – answered another woman. Caitlin.

Kind, selfless, prodigious Dr Snow. He could see her face even with his eyes closed, always with a kind and sad smile. Caitlin, a woman stronger and braver than even she thought. Always worrying about the rest of the team, more scared of herself and her alter-ego that of anything else. He opened his eyes; he saw the floor. He had his hands covering each side of his head and he hadn't even noticed.

\- The program's completed; it should've worked – a young man's voice, a familiar and loving Ramon.

As had happened upon hearing the girls' voices, numerous memories came back to him at hearing his voice. Cisco Ramon. A brilliant engineer that could follow the rhythm of his mind without problems, who challenged him constantly at each corner, who mocked him and wasn't impressed by him. Cisco. A large smile filling a face with eyes older than his age, eyes that could see across time, space and multiverses. Someone who loved films and was proud of his, sometimes, too nerdy shirts. Someone who was always there for him, who always had a challenge or a joke or even an insult to offer him, who was not afraid of him. Not anymore. His friend, his partner, his BEST friend.

\- Hey, Harry!

He felt a hand in his shoulder and Cisco's voice calling his name softly, with a worried tone of voice. His head didn't hurt anymore but his mind was still rehearsing every moment spent with him, in a frenetic kaleidoscope of images, sounds and feelings. All the time spent together in the workshop, working in new and old projects. Every single time one of them was injured in the field and every meta that they arrested. The rest of Team Flash: Joe, Cecile, Wally, even the baby, the newest member of the West's family.

Gradually the images slowed down, accommodating in its place, forming a full film from his first memory, when he was four years old, to the present. He was no longer confused, he knew who he was, where he was and with who. He lifted his head slowly and took a look around him. He saw everyone looking at him, worry visible in their faces. His friends. He remembered them.

\- Harry – said Cisco again, his hand never leaving his shoulder.

He turned to his left, towards him. Cisco was looking at him with the most worried expression he had ever seen in his face. He saw his friend's eyes looking intensively into his own, searching for something, intense and focused, probably trying to determinate if he was himself again. His good friend Cisco, always trying to understand him, always seeing further than everyone else, almost as if he could see directly into his core, into his soul. Faithful, loving Cisco, who tried so strongly to convince him to not use the thinking cap, even confronting the rest of the team. He was the only one who truly understood the danger, who could see his own desperation and frustration better than anyone else. The one who helped him anyway and made him promise not to use Dark Matter; even when he probably knew what would be Harry's decision in the end. The one who knew from the beginning that Harry would end breaking his promise, betraying him. The one who had more reasons than anyone else to hate him. But here he was, concerned about Harry, helping him in any way he could, in any way Harry needed. Ramon. Cisco. Lovely Cisco. Who he… Oh, Oh!

At that moment everything made sense. He put his hand over the one in his shoulder but didn't say anything. He couldn't say anything yet, still processing his new epiphany. Harry had always been proud of being considered a genius, but he knew his limitations better than anyone. He had a rational mind, but for any additional point he had in logical thinking, he lacked it in emotional understanding. He always had problems to interpret other's people emotions or even his own feelings; he was even worse at expressing them. He was not a sociopath; he had emotions and, usually, he felt them with an intensity that sometimes scared him. He had loved Tess with everything in him and Jesse was and would always be his sun; the central point in his life. But they were the exception. It was hard for him to create bonds with strangers, and even harder to acknowledge those bonds once created. However, the group of people in front of him meant something to him, they were more than friends, they were almost family. It had taken him two years to reach that point but now he knew for sure that he loved each and every one of them.

But Cisco was different. Cisco was able to awake stronger emotions in Harry than anyone else in the world. In their two worlds. He had thought that Cisco was his best friend, but he had been wrong for a long time. He was more, a lot more than that. Now he could see it. Now he was able to see their moments together under a new light, under new eyes. He remembered moments of rage, throwing things around the workplace feeling extremely frustrated and incompetent when an equation failed or didn't solve his problems instantly. He remembered feeling so stupid for having that rage and frustration consuming him and not being able to understand why. He remembered the euphoria of bickering with Cisco almost constantly, without even realising it, brainstorming ideas and feeding off each other minds. He remembered the need to mess with Cisco's things a bit, just enough to have him complaining about it but not enough to really annoy him. He remembered spending hours in the infirmary next to Cisco's bed every time he was injured, almost being able to feel Cisco's pain inside himself. The panic that blurred his mind the time Cisco was almost erased from existence. The affection and exasperation he felt every time Cisco came up with a new meta's nickname, more stupid than the previous one. The gratitude for having someone to listen to him when he felt the need to banter, someone to stop him when he was being too irascible or when he was blind with desperation and worry about Jesse. He recognized some of those feeling at the moment, but he never knew where they came from and their full meaning. Now, finally, he was able to understand his own feelings. To understand what Cisco really meant to him.

\- Don't worry – he said with his eyes never leaving Cisco's, one of the bests emotional moments ever recorded in a film coming to his mind. – You have been and always will be my friend.

He couldn't stay seated while he was saying it, getting up on his feet with his eyes still focused exclusively on Cisco's eyes. The last words of Spock to captain Kirk before his death. Emotional words from a Vulcan, a fictional race that valued rationality over emotions, words to express his feelings for his friend, his partner, his equal. The connection between those two characters was legendary, representing the true meaning of friendship and even, or at least according to some of the fan community, of love. He couldn't contain his smile. Those words suited them.

\- Khan… - Cisco murmured, knowing the name of the film Harry was quoting.

Harry's smile grew and he winked at Cisco. Behind them, he could hear Barry and Iris sighing, relieved. Cisco's expression was still worried, but Harry saw hope growing fast in his eyes. He let go of Cisco's hand. They kept their eyes looked together before dropping to an imitation of another famous quote in the same film.

\- Kill him! – they said at the same time in a serious voice, in perfect coordination.

Both of them drop their positions and looked at the other again, beginning to laugh with watery eyes. He didn't know who began the hug but enjoyed every second of it, with Cisco's laugh in his ears and his own arms around the shorter man. Cisco's body was warm and familiar, like always, like home. He felt a bittersweet pain clench his heart for a moment but ignored it. He was back and happy, happier that he had been in a long time.

\- Oh, my God! – was Cisco saying at that moment. – I can't believe it!

Harry squeezed him even more in his arms. He couldn't stop smiling, he was alive, and he remembered himself; he remembered Jesse and Cisco. He felt tears almost bursting from his eyes, but he didn't care. For the sound of it, Cisco was crying too, and knowing that, knowing that the young man was so relieved to have Harry back that he was even crying, made him feel extremely lucky. He knew that Cisco loved him. Maybe it was not the kind of love that Harry wanted from him, as his recent epiphany had revealed, but it was love. It was enough.

\- You did it – he said, congratulating and thanking the other man at the same time.

The hug was broken, and Cisco began talking in his usual high speed about the technology behind Harry's recovery but Harry… Harry didn't understand what Cisco was talking about. He knew he was talking about the thinking cap for the context and the smile, but he just didn't understand the terminology.

\- Uh, I don't know what that means – he confessed.

Cisco clearly thought that he was joking and began mocking him as if what he said was absurd, as it was absurd that Harry couldn't understand it. Then Harry realised what was happening. He couldn't understand him because he had lost some memories and probably some of his intelligence. Part of his rational intelligence at least.

\- No, I'm serious – he insisted. – I don't understand what that means.

Strangely, Harry didn't feel bad for having lost his intelligence, a part of him that had been always his most valued feature, a part of him that had defined him all his life. And he didn't miss it. He even felt better without it, more complete, as if his previous high IQ was lacking something. Maybe it did. Maybe that was why he felt more in peace with himself and his feelings that he had ever been. Cecile told him that there were different types of intelligence. Maybe she was right after all.

\- I think that there is some… - he tried to explain. – Some short circuits have been fried up here, but it's fine.

Cisco's face had always been expressive, a direct link to his feelings, and it showed clearly how much not fine he thought the situation was. Harry felt a painful sting in his chest for having erased Cisco's smile so quickly, but he hadn't wanted to lie. He was tired of lying, it was what led him to that situation, and it was a bad idea to lie about this. Cisco was a lot smarter than him now, he would have caught his lie immediately.

\- What are you talking about? – asked Cisco, confused and almost hurt.

\- I mean, I just don't understand the… the _thing_ you just said – repeated Harry, trying to explain the situation. – It's okay, though.

He really meant it. It was okay. Yes, he had lost some of his rational intelligence but that didn't mean that he was stupid now. It didn't bother him as much as he thought it will. He was average, maybe a bit cleverer than the standard, he just wasn't a genius anymore. Like Joe, like Barry, Iris, Cecile. All of them were clever, amazing people. They didn't need to be mental prodigies to be awesome people. And neither did he. However, it was clear that Cisco didn't believe the same, judging for his confused, scared and hurt expression. He saw his friend moving his gaze away from him, turning away and looking at his computer. It did not surprise him that reaction. Cisco knew what Harry's intelligence had meant to him; he knew him better than anyone else after all. He was just wrong in his assumption.

\- What's the matter? - asked Harry, elated to be able to detect a hurt expression in Cisco's face, to identify his friend's feelings with only one look. He was never capable of it before.

\- Marlize said this would work – answered Cisco in a sad voice, still avoiding his eyes.

\- It did work – insisted Harry instantly.

Cisco didn't answer, he kept looking at him with a sad expression, all signs of his previous smile completely gone. That was not what Harry wanted. He didn't want Cisco to feel bad for him, even when a part of him was selfish enough to be glad of it. It was, after all, a sign of Cisco's concern, proof that Cisco cared about him. The simple fact that he was able to identify his own emotions and the cause behind them without feeling hollowed or frustrated was new for Harry. It was better, easier.

\- Ramon – he insisted, one hand almost touching Cisco only to stop at the last minute. – You did it.

He tried to emphasise it with his hands in a "look at me" gesture. Cisco still looked devastated, as if he had taken something from Harry, something precious. That wasn't what he expected, he didn't want Cisco to suffer, he wanted him to smile, to be happy. It was not Cisco's fault, it was his own, his own egotism was the cause. He did something worse to himself: he erased everything in his mind. Cisco had brought everything back, he had fixed him, he had made him whole again, he had made him even better.

\- I'm back! – he insisted. – I'm here!

He didn't know how to explain it to someone who hadn't experienced it. How it had felt before, when he was empty. He hadn't even realised that something was wrong, that his memories, even his conscience had disappeared. And his conscience was what others called a "soul". He didn't believe in the dichotomy soul/body, he was a scientist, he knew that what other people called a soul was, in reality, a product of the human brain, a side-effect of a conscient mind. Without self-awareness he had been like a vegetable, breathing and alive but not being able to do anything by himself. He probably wouldn't have been able to feed himself, if it had been necessary. Reduced to less than his basic instincts. Now he was aware, human again.

\- I mean, maybe I'm a little more average that I used to be up there – he tried to explain, gesturing to his head with one hand. – But I'm here.

\- Harry, there's nothing average about you – argued Barry.

\- You have seven PhDs – added Caitlin.

He sighed, it seemed that it wasn't only Cisco the one who was worried about him. He felt a warm sensation in his bones and knew exactly that it was affection for those people, platonic love for his friends. It was amazing how much in sync with his emotions was Harry now.

\- Well, not anymore – he said with a short chuckle.

They didn't understand, especially Cisco, who looked like he was about to break into tears at any moment. They didn't understand what they had given to him, how much they had given to a foreigner, a visitor from another earth with the face of a killer. How much their love meant to him.

\- I was supposed to fix this - insisted Cisco with sorrow and self-condemnation in every one of his movements

\- And you did! – he insisted.

\- I didn't… - began arguing Cisco.

\- Ramon! – interrupted Harry, reaching for Cisco shoulders with his hands to try to stop him from blaming himself. – You did it, Ramon!

It was clear for the younger man's expression that he didn't believe him, and Harry didn't know what else he could say to make him understand the truth.

\- You brought me back – he said again. – You brought back what matters.

Because that was it, in the end, what was really important. It wasn't his IQ; it was everything else. The memories of his life, the experiences that made him himself, the feelings for those he loved and even those he hated, the good and the bad, all that made him Harrison Wells from Earth 2.

\- So, what if I'm… - he tried to explain. – Look, all my life, I have been defined by only one thing: my IQ.

Saying it aloud made him realise how sad and lonely he sounded. But it was the truth, everybody had always looked at him more as a computer than as a person, even himself. The only ones who ever saw him as something more were Tess and his daughter. And most recently the people in front of him, strangers from another universe that had accepted him with open hands and hearts. He might have lost part of his intelligence, but he had gained a lot more.

\- Somehow, you've given me a, uh… - how could he explain it? How could he explain his newfound emotional understanding? – A balance. A balance between my head and…

He didn't say it aloud, he just put his hand over his heart. Hopefully, Cisco would understand, as usual. He still looked sad, so he moved his hand from over his heart to cover his friend's. From heart to heart. He didn't know how else to express it.

\- Thank you, for the balance, Ramon – he smiled at the shorter man.

Cisco was still looking at him with sad eyes, unconvinced, and suddenly Harry couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't stay there in front of Cisco when he was looking at him that way. He didn't want him to be sad, he wanted to erase the sadness from Cisco's face. He wanted… he wanted to embrace him in a hug and never let him go. He wanted to protect Cisco's heart from ever being hurt again. He wanted to help his heart to heal, to promise him that he would never let anything, or anyone break his heart ever again. He wanted too much. He couldn't stay there. He had to go before he said or did something inappropriate.

\- Now, I'm going to take that balance to my earth – he sentenced and was in the move before anyone could react.

All of them protested, of course they did, he would have done the same in their place. The look in Barry's eyes and the pleading tone in Iris' voice almost convinced him to stay. But then he looked at Cisco again, with sad and scared eyes and he couldn't stand it. He couldn't stay a moment longer because if he did, his new discovered feelings would overwhelm him. Especially his love for Cisco. Because it was love, romantic love like he hadn't felt in almost twenty years. Like how it was with Tess. He couldn't stay a second more because then he wouldn't be able to ever leave. And, if he stayed, eventually Cisco would see into his eyes, read his feelings and break their friendship. He couldn't allow it; he couldn't survive it.

He said something about Jesse, about having to see his daughter, something like "family matters". Which was true, he always wanted to see Jesse, especially now that he could understand why she was angry with him, how worried she was for him. She had been right: he hadn't allowed himself to grieve for his ex-wife and that pain and anger had ruled his life for too long. She had been right, and he missed her but that wasn't why he was rushing back to his earth. He needed time for himself. Time to assimilate his emotions and to come to terms with the person he was now. And he needed time away from Cisco because he didn't trust himself at that moment. He said goodbye and he turned around, leaving the room.

A few days ago, even a few hours previously to that moment that would have been it. He had said his goodbyes already so he would have left without looking back. But he was a different person now, and now that farewell seemed… cold. He stopped and turned around again, almost laughing at what a Harrison Wells from days before would have said to him in that situation. He would have been so disappointed with himself for craving human contact, for craving an emotional farewell.

\- We should probably hug – said Harry, entering the room again.

Everyone laughed and rushed to hug him back in a group hug. It was nice, it felt good. Harry felt his heart grow twice in his chest. He loved them, all of them. There was no doubt: they were as precious to him as family. And now, for the first time in his life, he was able to express it aloud.

\- I love you, guys – he said, feeling some tears falling from his eyes.

\- We love you, too – answered Iris.

\- We will miss you – added Caitlin

\- I love you, too – finally said Barry, with a broken voice.

Sweet chuckles escaped from the girls after that and the hug gradually loosen up until they were in front of him again. Harry couldn't stop smiling. He looked at Cisco, the only one who hadn't said anything in the hug. Apparently, he wanted to have the last words.

\- There could be a million Harrys in this multi-verse – he began, before punching Harry's chest with a finger. – But you, you're one of a kind.

Harry didn't know how to answer, couldn't answer. It was heart-breaking, hearing Cisco saying that to him. It made him want to hug him again, to tell him the truth of his feelings for him, make him wish for the impossible. To believe in the impossible. He had to turn away his eyes, his hands trembling in his pockets.

\- I love you – he confessed, only to quickly add "too" at the end of his sentence.

It was the same sentence he had just said to the rest, in the hug. But the meaning behind it was completely different. Hopefully nobody would had seen the difference in his tone, in his eyes. He needed to go, he turned away and left the room, that time for sure. He was breathing quickly, and his hands hadn't stopped shaking. He had said it. He had said it aloud to Cisco. He had confessed. In a way that didn't reveal the intensity of his feelings, but a confession anyway. He sped up his steps, afraid that if he didn't manage to leave now, he would never do it. He thought about Jesse. He was coming home to her. The first thing he was going to do when he arrived at his earth was going to see her daughter, tell her how much he loved her, tell her everything he had never been able to tell before. And after that, he was going to have a press conference where he intended to explain both his involvement with the apparition of meta-humans and his current loss of intelligence. He couldn't tell everyone in his earth what really happened, but he could make something up. And then he would need to find someone to take care of the research department in his company, due to his inability to do it himself. He had a couple of candidates in mind who would love the opportunity. That will give him time to reconnect with himself and his daughter. And after that, he will have time to fix the problem with meta-humans in his Central City, maybe a rehabilitation program or a school for metas. There was so much to do on his earth, so many mistakes to fix.

His earth didn't need a brilliant but emotionally-stunted Harrison Wells, but it needed him. It needed Harry.

He opened the portal, extremely grateful that Cisco's technology made it as easy as pushing a button. He didn't feel brave enough to ask him to open a portal for him. He was going to his earth and he didn't intend to come back. He no longer thought that his only valuable feature was his intelligence, but he knew that his earth needed him more than this one. This one had Cisco Ramon. This one already had the best of the best

He stepped into the blue portal; he was going home.


End file.
